Silent scream

- Baby I cant see u suffer
- I am not suffering, I am ok
- I just know you are not ok


It’s so hard to stay silent when you want to speak and it’s even harder when you want to scream. But I know if I scream you will hear silence because you are not able to hear the truth…real truth.

You have your own truth which says I can’t be ok, which says I should be shattered, which says I should be destroyed and broken and credits for this go to you. But I am really not. How badly I want to scream it to you!!!!!! I AM FREE!!! I am alive and free as I have never been before, I woke up and IT’S the reason why credits should go to you. I don’t want you in my life anymore and this is the truth. I have realized many things and it set me free…..from you and from sick relationship I was in.

Now I can see so many things about you and about your acts. But your mind It’s yours and you have complete independence over it, I cant make you feel different and I wont prove you anything, though I really want to. But as proverb says “How much you try to wash a piece of coil it will never change it color” so I just will let you think whatever you want because there is no point in talking about it again and again. If I start talking I will hurt you…trying to show you that I am more honest than you…that I am more humane …. I am more conscious. I don’t intend to hurt you but telling you the truth it wouldn't be that pleasant thing to hear. Or (what is more possible) you won't believe me thinking that it's just show off. That’s why I will stay silent and will let you realize it someday by yourself.. in your way.

The most important thing for me now is – I have realized how you were using and exploiting my trust and readiness to understand you in any cost. It’s so great to feel that there was nothing wrong with me as you were always trying to convince me or to make me feel small and stupid immature kid (oh God, I was buying it so easily and was trying to become better so hard). Whenever I was trying to tell you that there was something which was bothering me you were cold and cruel (though you were calling it “growth” and “superiority over emotional needs”) sending me to grow and referring it to my insecure and asking me to search answers in my heart. Damn it…my heart was always right, my doubts always were valid and I never needed to grow because I always was grown up enough to feel what’s going on. The only one thing I can’t understand…why you didn’t have guts to admit that I was right? But you only were making me feel small instead.

I was so blind!!! Now while writing all this I am looking behind and only now I can see HOW sick it was though I was calling IT "love" and was so frustrated when I lost you. But now this comprehension is depriving me of all reasons to suffer because of you. Because there was no love, no care, no feelings from your side. Just attempts to be a “hero” whom you never could be with her. No matter that I was trying to be better, to be more caring, more understanding.. you didn't need it.

It feels so nice to look at you with eyes wide open. To see you through. To be free from your blah blah.

I really loved you. I really was into you and for you. But now you didn't leave me any reason to suffer because of you - person who broke my trust, who betrayed my love, who hurted me so cynic. I want to scream but my scream will stay silent. I won’t go trying to prove you all this or to make you hear all this. Just this silent scream….that’s all what you can get from me.