Something about logic

There are two things in my life I have never been following: rules and logic. Though, I wish I did (at least when it comes to logic) because it would make many things easier and smoother.

Eclipses. Time of changes.

From june to august we are sailing through period of three eclipses (two lunar and one solar eclipse). Since I was a kid it seemed to me to be mysterious event, something magical and covered with veil of mystery. But I never considered them as something which can impact and influence our lives.
When things in my life started changing rapidly I also did not link it to eclipses. Later on i found out that it happened before first lunar eclipse, so I then I was watching attentively at what's gonna happen next. And today I came across an article on the net... scratched my head and thought "wow it's all about me" :)
Seems someone was writing about recent events in my life, about the way of my thoughts these days and that someone confirmed that it's just an absolute zero...starting point...new step.

Here we go :)
(the most interesting passages I set off in bold)

A solar eclipse is always a new moon, and tends to mark new beginnings.
A lunar eclipse is always a full moon and usually marks endings or culmination points.
Now let’s review the points to keep in mind about eclipses so that you can better deal with them should any touch you in an unexpected way.

1. Eclipses are dramatic "wild cards" in our horoscopes. They shake us up so that we can move from one level of evolution and maturity to another, higher phase, fairly rapidly.

2. Eclipses bring news of life's big events: a birth of a baby, a marriage, a promotion or career breakthrough, important travel, the signing of a vital business deal, the start of one’s own business, the sale or purchase of a house, a cross country move, surgery or see an important health development, divorce, publishing a book, and so forth. Monumental meetings and breakups or changes on one’s job are also common on eclipse dates. No matter what occurs, it will become evident that the universe is intent on moving you forward.

3. Events that follow an eclipse have more weight than events brought on by a normal new or full moon. In fact, an eclipse is like a turbo-new or full moon, It packs much more energy and punch. An eclipse may even bring on an event that seems "fated". Eclipses always bring unexpected changes of direction.

4. Take any message you hear at the time of an eclipse seriously. There usually is no way to get a situation reversed. If someone brings news you don’t like on an eclipse realize that there is little chance you can get it reversed, at least not for four months, if ever. See the news as essentially a non-negotiable decision and try to move on.

5. Eclipses shine the bright light of truth to the part of your life that is touched by the eclipse. Most of the time, eclipses act as brilliant illuminators, revealing a condition that you were unaware existed. They can also act as catalysts to a major life decision. Also under an eclipse, you may finally understand the true character of a person near you.
Imagine that a puzzle piece fell out of the sky into your hands. This new piece of information, when added to the overall picture of your puzzle, will change your understanding of it and bring you a flash of insight. You may say to yourself, "For the first time, I understand!" Now you have a full picture of the situation and can make a fuller, more realistic appraisal of what that it means to you, and what you must do next. You will gain maturity and seasoning.

6. With all eclipses, something ends and something else begins. During an eclipse period, you may feel like you are walking across a bridge to a brand new place, with no turning back from where you started. The door behind you latches, and locks. You can’t go back because after the eclipse you will know more and understand things that were never clear to you before. In that sense, you really can?t go home again.

7. You may be feeling more emotional than usual under an eclipse, especially if the eclipse is lunar (full moon). Since your judgment may be impaired or pieces of information missing, try to get as much time as you can to think about what you heard. If you can, wait a week's time before deciding. If someone comes to you with a proposal, consider it carefully. If after looking at it from all sides and you like it, proceed.

8. Don’t be too quick to judge an eclipse as “good” or “bad”, eclipses may act suddenly but it takes weeks to understand their real meaning. If you should suffer under an eclipse, consider that sometimes the universe had something better for you in mind. Be patient and keep an open mind.

9. Eclipses can help you do things you never thought you could do. You may be offered a chance to write a book or to record an album, for example. Eclipses sometimes will open a door. One that was previously impossible to enter.

10. Take notice of ALL news and signals you get near the eclipses. While often news is delivered in a dramatic and obvious way, sometimes the news will come in much more subtly, as a secret or as a piece of gossip. Nevertheless it will foretell dramatic changes to come.

11. Solar eclipses work somewhat differently than lunar eclipses, and emphasize beginnings. (Something may also be ending but the attention is more on the start than the finish.) The changes could phase in over a period of months. Still, the news or timing of those changes often comes as a surprise.

Use & Throw. Blog's name disclosure.

Silent scream

- Baby I cant see u suffer
- I am not suffering, I am ok
- I just know you are not ok


It’s so hard to stay silent when you want to speak and it’s even harder when you want to scream. But I know if I scream you will hear silence because you are not able to hear the truth…real truth.

You have your own truth which says I can’t be ok, which says I should be shattered, which says I should be destroyed and broken and credits for this go to you. But I am really not. How badly I want to scream it to you!!!!!! I AM FREE!!! I am alive and free as I have never been before, I woke up and IT’S the reason why credits should go to you. I don’t want you in my life anymore and this is the truth. I have realized many things and it set me free…..from you and from sick relationship I was in.

Now I can see so many things about you and about your acts. But your mind It’s yours and you have complete independence over it, I cant make you feel different and I wont prove you anything, though I really want to. But as proverb says “How much you try to wash a piece of coil it will never change it color” so I just will let you think whatever you want because there is no point in talking about it again and again. If I start talking I will hurt you…trying to show you that I am more honest than you…that I am more humane …. I am more conscious. I don’t intend to hurt you but telling you the truth it wouldn't be that pleasant thing to hear. Or (what is more possible) you won't believe me thinking that it's just show off. That’s why I will stay silent and will let you realize it someday by yourself.. in your way.

The most important thing for me now is – I have realized how you were using and exploiting my trust and readiness to understand you in any cost. It’s so great to feel that there was nothing wrong with me as you were always trying to convince me or to make me feel small and stupid immature kid (oh God, I was buying it so easily and was trying to become better so hard). Whenever I was trying to tell you that there was something which was bothering me you were cold and cruel (though you were calling it “growth” and “superiority over emotional needs”) sending me to grow and referring it to my insecure and asking me to search answers in my heart. Damn it…my heart was always right, my doubts always were valid and I never needed to grow because I always was grown up enough to feel what’s going on. The only one thing I can’t understand…why you didn’t have guts to admit that I was right? But you only were making me feel small instead.

I was so blind!!! Now while writing all this I am looking behind and only now I can see HOW sick it was though I was calling IT "love" and was so frustrated when I lost you. But now this comprehension is depriving me of all reasons to suffer because of you. Because there was no love, no care, no feelings from your side. Just attempts to be a “hero” whom you never could be with her. No matter that I was trying to be better, to be more caring, more understanding.. you didn't need it.

It feels so nice to look at you with eyes wide open. To see you through. To be free from your blah blah.

I really loved you. I really was into you and for you. But now you didn't leave me any reason to suffer because of you - person who broke my trust, who betrayed my love, who hurted me so cynic. I want to scream but my scream will stay silent. I won’t go trying to prove you all this or to make you hear all this. Just this silent scream….that’s all what you can get from me.

The beginning

“I still love her”
“I was incessantly missing her all these days”
“There was no day when I didn’t want to run to her”
“I thought I overcame this and didn’t love her anymore but I was wrong”

silence….then again that voice which was so intimate yesterday …today was breaking my world to pieces…..pieces were hurting me with every single word….. ringing with dull ache in my temples..

That’s was the end or (as I realized later) it was the beginning of a new life. Conscious life filled with love and care for myself. Maybe it had to happened to make me realize that I am the most precious person in my life and if not me, then who will pamper me in the way I deserve? :)

Yeah he left me one month far from the wedding but in the same time he gave me an opportunity to be happy with the man who would appreciate my presence in his life. He cleared the path for that mr. Perfect. Unfortunately it took much time and tears for me to realize that simple and obvious truth but I am glad I did. So that’s why I am here. I hope my experience and my thoughts would help people who are facing the same or similar situations, who failed in trying to be happy, who don’t know how to believe that every crap which happens in our life is for good. I believe it would be helpful for me too because as normal human I keep loosing hope time to time, so it will discipline me to some extent. Self-discipline its never bad :)
And also this blog is about me, my thoughts, views and my life

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