Use&Throw

About dreams

2010-08-04T17:58:00.004+03:00

"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?" the boy asked, when they had made camp that day.

"Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."

"But my heart is agitated," the boy said. "It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and its become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I'm thinking about her."

"Well, that's good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say."

During the next three days, the two travelers passed by a number of armed tribesmen, and saw others on the horizon. The boy's heart began to speak of fear. It told him stories it had heard from the Soul of the World, stories of men who sought to find their treasure and never succeeded. Sometimes it frightened the boy with the idea that he might not find his treasure, or that he might die there in the desert. At other times, it told the boy that it was satisfied: it had found love and riches.

"My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. "It doesn't want me to go on."

"That makes sense," the alchemist answered. "Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."

"Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?"

"Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world."

"You mean I should listen, even if it's treasonous?"

"Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you'll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them.

"You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it's better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow."

"Even though I complain sometimes," it said, "it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly."

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one
night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.
And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

"Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him," his heart said. "We, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, toward its own fate. But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them—the path to their destinies, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place. "So, we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won't be heard: we don't want people to suffer because they don't follow their hearts."

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.

"Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer."

From then on, the boy understood his heart. He asked it, please, never to stop speaking to him. He asked that, when he wandered far from his dreams, his heart press him and sound the alarm. The boy swore that, every time he heard the alarm, he would heed its message. That night, he told all of this to the alchemist. And the alchemist understood that the boy's heart had returned to the Soul of the World.

"So what should I do now?" the boy asked.

"Continue in the direction of the Pyramids" said the alchemist. "And continue to pay heed to the omens. Your heart is still capable of showing you where the treasure is."

"Is that the one thing I still needed to know?"

"No," the alchemist answered.
"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.' "Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."

The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn.

365 days

2010-06-17T21:52:00.003+03:00

365 days back my life, as i thought that time, was thrown off the rails...
but now..looking back i realize that my life just took right turn before it was too late

Let me go....

2010-04-30T23:33:00.005+03:00

">

I can’t see lines on paper
Just drawing words with letters, the novel is uncompleted,
But I realize the point, the plot is - I am always wrong.
Cold hands, familiar sounds,
Your eyes which are painfully precious for me
But heart is not letting up and beating so slow
Tear is falling down and breaking to pieces

My breath is not stopping to tremble…

Let me go
We can’t save our love on the verge of disaster
River can’t connect two river banks
Forgive me
We can’t save our love on the verge of disaster
River can’t connect two river banks

I will not interfere you to crash out
It’s me who is like a bird locked in cage
I will not show you I am dieing because of pain
And no one can save me
But how to puzzle out and admit
That I don’t want to live without you
But heart is still groaning
That is so uneasy to loose and forget your palms ..

My breath is not stopping to tremble…

All we need is live....?

2010-03-25T13:10:00.006+02:00

I think almost every indian (male or female) in story of his life has a chapter which starts with "I loved her and we wanted to get married but parents...." and ends with typical "We parted as it was better for all of us" and somewhere between lines lies unspoken "I still love her even if i moved on, got married and live happy married life". For many of you it can sound like movie scenario but the thing is (sad thing)...real lives are behind that "scenario" and "happy end" is quite rare case.

How many times i saw my friends shedding tears over their lost soulmates, but in the same time only some of them have guts to fight their love and right to live THEIR lives.
What is this? Lack of guts? Lack of wish? The way to respect parents by giving up your life? Fear to stand against society and system? Way to prove yourself (or others) that you are good son/daughter/person? Sacrifice life for the sake of all said above doesnt sound reasonable for me. Does it mean im bad person if i dont want sacrifice my life for selfish wish of my parents? Anyone can explain me why its me who will be considered as selfish but not parents who dont care about how they kid feels and what he/she wants. Parents know better what is good for their kids? Bullshit! They are not perfect either and can make mistakes even if they have good intentions. And they have no right to deprive kids of their lives by argument "we gave you this life...so please clear the bill". Aint it unfair..giving live but depriving of right to LIVE?

Its blessing if one managed to find soulmate and its so careless to give up chance to go through life hand in hand with that soulmate.
And its hell to know that you dont have space in heart of your spouse because of that "sacred" sacrifice.

As result - broken lives...he...she...parents who realized their mistake but its too late to rectify it....
Aint it shitty scenario of life?

Suitcase with a broken handle

2010-01-31T23:12:00.003+02:00

Yeah, its tough task to carry such suitcase. It keeps trying to slip out of your hands and hurt you falling down on your feet. You do realize that there is no point to carry it anymore, but you cant leave it either... you wasted so much time and efforts trying to tackle it and not to hurt yourself.

But sooner or later this moment comes... when it falls down on your feet and you finally understand that its totally useless to gather it and carry..more over...you don't have wish to make efforts again...and you are making decision to leave it lying on the ground.

You have mixed feelings... suitcase was full of stuff which are precious for you, which you got use to, it still keeps your smell, its still part of your life...and its not easy to tear it away..... but from the other side you feel relief....pretty soon you will surround yourself with a new things which fill the emptiness and feeling of loss ....and you will realize that new suitcase its not a bad idea at all.

Dating an indian man

2010-01-28T17:52:00.005+02:00

Handsome, smiling, wearing jeans (though at times traditional clothes), driving bike or car, knows about world news, using all modern gadgets... here is - indian man of 21st century.

Getting this product many can be fooled by western oriented modern exterior and even interior. But no matter how progressive his thoughts are, or how broad minded he is...alas.. yeh India hai meri jaan.... so be ready that inidan man is available only with package with his family, customs, culture and habits. And this is where problem can come out, because this package can cause some inconvenience in your relationship or lead to break up or just end up with nothing.

So even if you think your model is good enough and meets latest tech requirements, and coding was made in professional way - be careful, in the most of cases there is bug in that code, which doesn’t allow whole program to run in the way you are expecting.

Lucky you, if you could find “free of package” offer. Though its rare case. Its like Christmas (when people start believe in miracles) sales…if you got late for sales or didn’t know in which shopping mall sales was - you have no other option as to wait till next sales or next auspicious moment.

You have three options:
- wait for the next Christmas sales ( but yet again there is no guarantee that you will get your piece of pie)
- compromise and learn manual about how to handle package part (in the worst cases even compromise doesnt work)
- or try different brand...after all there are so many countries and nationalities.

Yeah...for damn patient customers..if you still like the product you got and you dont want to go for a different brand - there is another one option - to wait while current model will be upgraded to the next version which can live up to your expectations.

Happy shopping!

***

2009-12-31T14:29:00.000+02:00

Dear Santa

2009-12-29T23:41:00.003+02:00

New year is about to come and turn the last page of the year which is almost left in past and our memories.
One thought came to my mind. It was december of 2007. Tough time for me. Time of changes and hopes. I wrote an email to Santa Claus, asking him to make my dreams true and sincerely hoping for the miracle to come.

Today i realized...this year my wishes really came true! I got work which is letting me to live in India, also......
anyways, all what I was asking about - I got it all. Though some things not 100%.
I will write him again and will ask to complete what he started in 2007 :)

8/12/2007
Dear Daria,

Warmest thanks for your letter. I was really pleased to hear from you.

I’ll be going through your letter with my elves and making a precise note of everything in the big Korvatunturi books. My scribe elves are very careful and hard-working, and they write down every single request. It may not always be possible to meet every request at once, but the main thing is for everything to be recorded.

The scribe elves then issue instructions to the workshop elves, telling them what presents to make for you and other children. Then when the presents are ready, the quick dispatch elves do them up in beautiful fancy parcels. They are then ready and waiting for the big, exciting feast of Christmas.

As you can well imagine, we’re almost rushed off our feet here at Korvatunturi with Christmas only just round the corner. The elves have 101 things to see to. Sometimes they’re so busy that they have to be reminded to come and eat the Missis’ steaming porridge. But she makes sure they take their porridge breaks. Which is just as well, because no one can work well on an empty tummy. The elves may tire at a crucial moment.

Thank you for your letter. I’ll pass it on to the scribes straight away so that the workshop can start on your presents.

My warmest greetings to you, your family and friends. I do hope you enjoy the run-up to Christmas. And since Christmas will be upon us before we even realise, I join with all of us here at Korvatunturi in wishing you

A very merry Christmas

Santa Claus

And we are back

2009-12-29T22:03:00.002+02:00

I wasn't here for sometime...was busy with searching myself and my place in this life.
Now I am back and ready to take care of my blog. Moreover I got lots of things to tell about.

Welcome back Blueberry Pie :)

Girlssss

2009-10-27T21:23:00.004+02:00

Girls. What an illogical creatures we are. And now I am totally frank and honest confessing. Ya, ya.. confessing - because I am negletting efforts of many girls who fed up trying to convince people opposite. But the truth is…we are illogical. Otherwise isn’t she strange creature if yesterday she was judging her friend who keeps looking for excuses for her boyfriend; yesterday she was saying that its stupid to fuck brains because of a guy who is not interested in you; yesterday she was so cool and confident saying all this but…. But today she is herself fucking her brains and trying to slow down her heartbeat because of a guy who didn’t talk to her for one month (means he is totally not into her even as a friend) and suddenly pinged her on messenger by who-the hell-knows reason.

Where that confident girl who was sitting here yesterday in a judge chair? Ahan.. what we can hear. Let me guess. Its something like “No nothing like that, its different with me” or “He is good but facing problems”? Bullshit. Stinky bullshit.
So do we still insist that we are damn logical creatures? lolz

**********

2009-10-01T22:52:00.002+03:00

It's so wierd...
At times minor and light decisions make your heart beats faster and feel nervousness... anxiety.
But important decision which impact your life keep you calm and quiet

p.s.
maybe it's because you feel that decision which you took is the right one......

Incomplete story

2009-10-01T01:52:00.003+03:00

When I saw your face first time I felt something and realized....you were in my life before but I forgot you.
Your streets-wrinkles furrowed your face seemed to be familiar to me...your voice - merged to variety of sounds....have we met before?
Some inexplicable feeling. Anxiety. Lump in my throat. I didn't attach much importance to that feeling.... it happens, just someone's video.

I was turning out from me those unpleasant sensations, convincing myself that it's only my morbid imagination and I cant judge you without seeing.
I was preparing for our first meeting even not being sure that I am ready to meet you.

You are one flight away.
....again this inexplicable feeling.......

I am dragging my feet and I am not in a hurry to leave airport...something is wrong...but I am getting grip on myself and taking a step out...
The next moment burst of sounds, smells, sensations...heart is pumping hard .. and that inexplicable feeling is taking on the shape of comprehension "I was here and something went wrong. Something horrible and irreparable happened and I couldn't prevent it"

Kolkata.

I don't see this city from the window of my cab... I feel it, hardly trying to hold back tears. I remember your scent. I close my eyes and for a moment my sensations transfer me there ... it seems I can hear snatches of conversations, screams, tears and despair. I open my eyes and feel frustration - I couldn't prevent it, I cant change it now... because I even don't know what is it. All what I know it was something horrible, something which memory in this birth preserved as faint echo.

Morning. I am running away from you by the nearest flight.
You played another one dirty trick on me but it wasn't the reason of my escape. YOU were the reason.

One day (very soon) I will back and you will tell me everything, but this time I will be ready to face you and your story. Till now..this story is incomplete...........

September

2009-09-30T23:19:00.003+03:00

Kiss the rain

2009-09-30T01:03:00.002+03:00

latest days i have been thinking of you....again and again...asking you for forgiveness in my thoughts....
i wont dare to talk to you...i know how you will react...and will make both of us feeling even worse

one year...i forgot how it is...to feel guilty for what i have done with you...
i forgot that almost physical sensation of guilt's sticky arms on my neck... and not being able to escape from it's suffocating grasp
i got through the same experience i put you in....felt everything what was tearing your soul too bloody pieces....i felt your pain
that moment i got rid of that feeling of guilt..but fear of recompense wasn't letting me turn the page and close the book with your name....i knew....i would have to pay

i was gathering myself as splinters of glass i was gloating with tears "quits...we are quits now...i paid my bill"

why i'm thinking of you again...and desperately want to hear that you forgave me...
did you?

I missed my India

2009-09-26T21:24:00.002+03:00

Kaise mujhe tum mil gayi, kismat pe aaye naa yakeen

2009-09-25T18:38:00.008+03:00

This song touched me to the core....rather it's lyrics...
I have realized I was wasting my time, my life, my emotions for those who didn't feel like this even for a moment.....
My friend said "We are missing those who didn't arrived in our life yet. It's strange"
Maybe it is..but at least now I know what words will I hear when that missing someone will arrive to my life. Till then....no more wasting time....I'm ready to wait :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkeMlbZvOws

Sunrise

2009-09-13T11:32:00.005+03:00

Another one morning..

2009-09-12T23:37:00.006+03:00

She opened her eyes. Dark. Early morning before the dawn. House is wropt with silence and dreams. Everyone is sleeping in their dreamlands.
She used to love such mornings when she was waking up while her hubby and kids are still sleeping and she could enjoy peaceful morning alone. Its not that she had lack of peace but at times it was so wonderful to have rising sun as a companion.

Young beautiful lady grabbed hubby's t-shirt and barefoot sneaked out of the room stepping soft as a cat... trying to be quiet and don't disturb life in house lying in the arms of Morpheus.

Peaceful chilly morning. Dew pearls on leaves and grass in the garden. Birds twittering in the trees looking forward for their good friend - sun. Slight waves beating at the river bank. Nature was slowly waking up....She took blanket and big mug of hot sweet cocoa and nestled on garden seat. Cool breeze outside and hot cocoa inside it was feeling soo nice. Sky was getting pinkish...sun was about to rise. Peace and harmony.....First sun rays...birds songs...fresh breeze...she was part of all this...that was the reason why she used to love such mornings.

"Mammy.. brother took my toy...mammy"
Her twins...boy and gal. Who knows how long she was sitting here facing her sun to the sun and smiling to it. Now kid's voice back her to reality.
"Maaaamyyyyyy"
Twins loved each other to the same extent as they loved to piss each other off.

She smiled to the sun.. "We will chitchat some other time" she said and went towards the house.

Her hubby was standing on the porch smiling guiltily... "I know how to handle kids...just missed you and was looking for valid reason to bring you back"
She smiled
"Good morning baby" he hugged her and kissed on forehead. "I made breakfast and we are waiting for you"
___________________________________________________________________________________

......another one morning of her happy life.......

********

2009-09-08T23:00:00.001+03:00

There was another one day….after work I was walking down the street... sky was shining with stars....and my mood was kinda romantic and calm quiet type. So I took milk shake with strawberry taste and went to the river bank...to listen to river sounds and watch stars.
Romantic mood…melancholic one..with no exact reason or thought….but simply romantic

I was going home with blank head watching landscapes I was passing by and suddenly I saw my reflection in driving mirror…. I was smiling from my heart. Was smiling not because of, not despite of…. just I was feeling so. There was so much JOY and excitement and I was feeling as if ALL my dreams came true and EVERYTHING what I wanted its mine. I have realized that I already have all the happiness inside of me and I don’t have to search for it anymore, because its here and always was. All I had to do its just take it from my heart.

Tears were rolling on my cheeks. I was moment of gratitude… I was so grateful to Universe for every moment of my life!
i love my life…
its so beautiful…
its so magical..
in every way….
every bit of it……
I hardly can explain this with words but it felt sooooo good! Just an overwhelming emotions.

On the path next to my home I stopped and looked at the sky colored with mysterious stars.
“Universe can you hear me?”
Stars were blinking naughty in reply
“I know you can hear me”
I felt She was smiling like mother smiles to a child…giving me the understanding that She can hear me and always could
“Yeah you can hear”
“Thank u”
“Now I know…EVERTYHING is possible. I feel this POWER to make miracles, even the craziest ones. I know how it works and how to make it!!!”

Shooting star was an answer….I didn’t make a wish…but this time I even wasn’t trying to because now I know for sure WHO can fulfill my wishes and make my dreams true ;)
I gave a wink to the fallen star and walked away….

”Everything is possible… all you have to do - to wish it and believe in yourself” ….. wind whispered with tree leaves…. or maybe I seemed to hear this :)

Companions

2009-09-08T22:33:00.000+03:00

********

2009-09-03T16:41:00.002+03:00

Destiny grants us our wishes, but in its own way, in order to give us something beyond our wishes.

Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

30 minutes away from autumn

2009-08-31T17:02:00.004+03:00

This summer was special for me…. I lived a small life this summer….. three months….but it turned to be a life…. it was my rebirth… I was learning how to live….to sip life as a hot tea….carefully with small sips… not because of fear to burn..but enjoying every single sip…

So many events took place…..

I was fiancée
I learnt how to ride bicycle
I sold my car
I found out how it feels when someone betrays you and you world is breaking to pieces
I found close one soul who means a lot and who is precious for me
I realized that I have enough strength not to fall down my knees
I got unbelievable freedom and relief from everything
I really know idea of the song “life is good” now
I learnt to like rain
I turned to a party animal
I patched up with my friend
I met in real my friend from virtuality
I made one of my dream true
I smoked….first time after 2 years break… it was hookah…so it doesn’t count though lol
I had guts to sing at karaoke in front of professional singers
I made tattoo
I cur my hair
I let him go and live in peace (person who betrayed me)
I fell in love
I realized how happy I am because I have so many near and dear ones, friends who are always there when I need support
I realized that everything is for good
I became stronger but more flexible
I learnt to feel happy about every moment in my life
I started two blogs and community
I was able to give hand of help to many people who needed right words from me
I am grateful universe for this hard time which it gave me

that’s it….just 30 mins…. autumn….

I don’t want to be a princess

2009-08-29T22:22:00.003+03:00

And even when I was a little girl I didn’t want it too. Why? Because they are too fragile, subtle and “pinky”. I liked witches and princess-warriors. Why not fairies or white witches? Yep, the same reason )) they were too pinky. (Though final sentence of all my childhood dreams was “he took princess to his kingdom and they lived long and happily life together).
Wondering, I would be a juicy contract for any child psychologist :)

I grew up. And became a fairy… self-sacrificing and understanding-everyone-everything even in prejudice of myself.

There was a thread on one forum, where was suggested to choose character whom you want to be. With no second thought I said I want to be Lara Croft or Storm from “x-men”. Took a look at answers above. Scarlet O’hara, dr.Dulittle, Meg Rayan heroine etc etc… except me only one guy wanted to be Batman (to hook cat-woman lol). I scratched my head and promised to edit my post and to add some real character. Should I mention that I didn’t back to that thread? :) Though I really was thinking hard and trying to figure out something.

Recently I watched mind blowing anime and guess what.. my current DP now is an image of its heroine.. brave female warrior Dunon Knute :)
Strange but my fairy nature is in contradict with my preferences, though people say I am not that fairy attimes …and also they say I am an iron lady. I am confused..who am I…fairy or warrior? It seems I am what I never wanted to be and I am what I was dreaming about?

ufffff….. really confused.. I would rather be an angel..but with dark wings and without nimbus… black sunglasses….high black shoes..and magic stick with black leather design…..stop… magic stick its fairy feature…

I will start again…

i would be an angel….
dark wings and without nimbus………….

Good morning my beloved one

2009-08-28T09:21:00.001+03:00

"No" simply means "no"

2009-08-24T22:39:00.001+03:00

I am wondering who taught you to take direct "no" as "maybe", "most probably", "dont loose hope", "ask again" etc etc. Didnt each of us get many examples that "no" simply means "no". Is it human habit to hear everything but not the direct and exact answer which is "NO"? Your ears hear "no" but mind starts it's games...perverting the truth, leading us to hope, to expectations and disappointment in the end of the day. Because nothing changes but only sooner or later we have (we have no choice) to accept that negative answer. Learn to accept "no" without leaving yourself a loophole to take it in different way! It will save your time and broken hopes.
If someone wants to tell you "yes" he/she will do it directly, but if answer is "no"...believe me....it means "no" and no second option here.

Would this timely acceptance prevent from pain anf despair? ....a guy who didnt want to hear girl's "no" and sacrificed his life for her but heard the same "no"? .... a girl who didnt quit hear expectations even after guy rejected her, was cherishing her hope and thats why second "no" was even more hurtful? I am sure there are can be many examples but ideas is the same "I dont want you in my life, and your efforts it's your choice, dont blame me later".

One should care about oneself and dont wait for favour/grace from another. It has no point and hardly brings positive result. So let's respect other's answer even if its "no" beacause its better for both sides.

It's like an axiom - sooner you accept the negative answer - easier it would be to leave your hope and expectation. Sure exceptions can be there but even then...dont wait that exactly your case is different. Carry on with your life, enjoy it, live..... and it's upto that person to change his/her decision, dont waste your precious time, dont change your life, dont sacrifice your smile for waiting for changing this rejection!

Be positive :)

2009-08-19T13:46:00.002+03:00

Woman: Oh no … he is leaving, he is leaving me….(crying)
Mind: Be positive, be positive
Woman: How can I be positive? He is packing bags
Mind: Don’t cry, smile. Mysterious smile. And don’t panic
Woman: He is packing bags (crying)
Mind: Smile
Woman: What if I hug him?
Mind: Idiot
Woman: What if I fall to my knees?
Mind: Idiot
Woman: What if i…..?
Mind: What?
Woman: Hit him with frying pan… a bit?
Mind: ???
Woman: Maybe I can try to feed him … yummy soup…. It will work for one-two months…. And then he will get used and will stay……
Mind: Frying pan its criminal. You can overrate your strength.
Woman: No, I will try my best with all my strength.
Mind: I mean. You are strong woman and can kill him accidentally and it’s a jail.
Woman: Then what can be done here? Tell me if you are so smart
Mind: Smile. Be positive, be positive
Woman: What positive I can find in this situation? I will be lonely! (crying)
Mind: Smile. First of all you are not lonely but you are free
Woman: Why do I need this freedom?
Mind: Smile. Freedom its an amazing. You will have time for yourself
Woman: Why? (sniffs)
Mind: Because! You will learn Brazilian - you always was dreaming to watch serials without translation. Will learn how to play drums – with your strength!!!!
Woman: Yeah… I never had time for this
Mind: You will be using finance in your way without buying all those stupid fishing rods and car stuff
Woman: I will buy expensive fur coat and those shoes…with strips ( wipes tears)
Mind: You will go for dinner with that guy from office – he was looking at you
Woman: (Smiles) Yeah, he asked me to go out. I will wear new fur coat, shoes with strips (smiles in mysterious way)
Mind: No cooking, no laundering
Woman: Only beauty parlours!!! (smiles happy). Will go for a trip (dreams)
Mind: See! And you couldn’t see positive sides in this situation.
Woman: I will begin a new life!!! (smiling widely). Oops!
Mind: What?
Woman: He is falling to his knees with his bag, kissing knees
Mind: Whose knees?
Woman: Not bag’s knees for sure. Saying he will not find woman as me. Asking for forgiveness. Wants to stay!
Mind: Oops
Woman: And what about free woman? (crying). What about drums classes? Fur coat, shoes?? (wailing). Guy from office?? (crying)
Mind: Be positive, be positive……. (c)

Tastes from childhood

2009-08-18T19:48:00.002+03:00

I was eating turkish delight today and thought that when I was a kid it had different, special taste, it's not about taste was good or bad, it was different. How many tastes which were born in my childhood now are left only in my memory!!! Maybe it's because I grew up and those tastes turned to be so special as childhood memories or maybe nowadays people cant make such yummy stuff as before...even that sugar powder covers turkish delight was so delicuous earlier. Fruit curd....mmmmm even "danone" cant compete with it :) Extremely plane pink ice cream in a paper cup, what can be more plain....but this none popular ice cream brand cant simulate this taste,it's too special. Marsh-mallow, lemonade, corn flakes, even sugar was sweeter. I can continue this list...list of tasty memories :) Want to join? ;)

Green light to your dreams

2009-08-17T17:41:00.003+03:00

What is good and what is bad

2009-08-05T20:04:00.003+03:00

Is there border between those? And if there is a border then it's very thin and transparent. Must be long time back there was neutral absolute..but later people figured out norms and values..positive and negative, right and wrong, good and bad.

How to define what is bad and what is good. Its like one and the same thing/event can be as good for one person as well as extremely bad for another. Then? Where is the truth lies? Or maybe mankind shouldn't have figure out all those definition....trying to classify things which are beyond any classification.

Tough :)

Give me a sign

2009-08-04T01:18:00.005+03:00

I was walking through the night... down the lonesome street ... wandering at lonely streetlights. Andru Donals was sounding in my ears ... soaking up sounds of reality and immersing me deeper and deeper to the world of dreams. I was walking...peering into gulf of starry sky...with music in my ears and hope in my heart.
I know...somewhere he is also not sleeping right now...listening to the night, and tired after searching of soulmate, waiting for me...when with soft steps I will come to his life...

Friends

2009-08-02T22:07:00.002+03:00

In 1935, USA government had killed a man on 1st Saturday of august, next day his friend died committing suicide in his memory. USA government had declared 1st Sunday of every August as friendship day. Today (2th august) is the 73rd friendship day.

Where dreams lead to

2009-08-02T10:15:00.003+03:00

Is it possible to betray your dream? Be afraid of obstacles on the way to your dream, long way covered with thorns which hurt your feet... to fall for easier path...smooth and soft...but every step which you made on that soft path takes you away from a dream. To convince yourself that this smooth way is right because there are no thorns and bumps.... to convince yourself not to turn around, where abandoned dream is stretching her hands to you, slopping tears on bleeding feet (because all this time she was walking over the same thorns as you) and watching you go..... to convince yourself not to look in your eyes, be afraid to read there "betrayer"....to convince yourself that in the end of smooth way you will face even bigger happiness.

Or scoot back ....run and don't feel how much thorns hurt, hug your dream, take her hand, smile and keep walking through the thorny path to the happiness...but this time...never leave hold of her hand.

Something about logic

2009-07-27T22:08:00.005+03:00

There are two things in my life I have never been following: rules and logic. Though, I wish I did (at least when it comes to logic) because it would make many things easier and smoother.

Eclipses. Time of changes.

2009-07-22T15:57:00.008+03:00

From june to august we are sailing through period of three eclipses (two lunar and one solar eclipse). Since I was a kid it seemed to me to be mysterious event, something magical and covered with veil of mystery. But I never considered them as something which can impact and influence our lives.
When things in my life started changing rapidly I also did not link it to eclipses. Later on i found out that it happened before first lunar eclipse, so I then I was watching attentively at what's gonna happen next. And today I came across an article on the net... scratched my head and thought "wow it's all about me" :)
Seems someone was writing about recent events in my life, about the way of my thoughts these days and that someone confirmed that it's just an absolute zero...starting point...new step.

Here we go :)
(the most interesting passages I set off in bold)

A solar eclipse is always a new moon, and tends to mark new beginnings.
A lunar eclipse is always a full moon and usually marks endings or culmination points.
Now let’s review the points to keep in mind about eclipses so that you can better deal with them should any touch you in an unexpected way.

1. Eclipses are dramatic "wild cards" in our horoscopes. They shake us up so that we can move from one level of evolution and maturity to another, higher phase, fairly rapidly.

2. Eclipses bring news of life's big events: a birth of a baby, a marriage, a promotion or career breakthrough, important travel, the signing of a vital business deal, the start of one’s own business, the sale or purchase of a house, a cross country move, surgery or see an important health development, divorce, publishing a book, and so forth. Monumental meetings and breakups or changes on one’s job are also common on eclipse dates. No matter what occurs, it will become evident that the universe is intent on moving you forward.

3. Events that follow an eclipse have more weight than events brought on by a normal new or full moon. In fact, an eclipse is like a turbo-new or full moon, It packs much more energy and punch. An eclipse may even bring on an event that seems "fated". Eclipses always bring unexpected changes of direction.

4. Take any message you hear at the time of an eclipse seriously. There usually is no way to get a situation reversed. If someone brings news you don’t like on an eclipse realize that there is little chance you can get it reversed, at least not for four months, if ever. See the news as essentially a non-negotiable decision and try to move on.

5. Eclipses shine the bright light of truth to the part of your life that is touched by the eclipse. Most of the time, eclipses act as brilliant illuminators, revealing a condition that you were unaware existed. They can also act as catalysts to a major life decision. Also under an eclipse, you may finally understand the true character of a person near you.
Imagine that a puzzle piece fell out of the sky into your hands. This new piece of information, when added to the overall picture of your puzzle, will change your understanding of it and bring you a flash of insight. You may say to yourself, "For the first time, I understand!" Now you have a full picture of the situation and can make a fuller, more realistic appraisal of what that it means to you, and what you must do next. You will gain maturity and seasoning.

6. With all eclipses, something ends and something else begins. During an eclipse period, you may feel like you are walking across a bridge to a brand new place, with no turning back from where you started. The door behind you latches, and locks. You can’t go back because after the eclipse you will know more and understand things that were never clear to you before. In that sense, you really can?t go home again.

7. You may be feeling more emotional than usual under an eclipse, especially if the eclipse is lunar (full moon). Since your judgment may be impaired or pieces of information missing, try to get as much time as you can to think about what you heard. If you can, wait a week's time before deciding. If someone comes to you with a proposal, consider it carefully. If after looking at it from all sides and you like it, proceed.

8. Don’t be too quick to judge an eclipse as “good” or “bad”, eclipses may act suddenly but it takes weeks to understand their real meaning. If you should suffer under an eclipse, consider that sometimes the universe had something better for you in mind. Be patient and keep an open mind.

9. Eclipses can help you do things you never thought you could do. You may be offered a chance to write a book or to record an album, for example. Eclipses sometimes will open a door. One that was previously impossible to enter.

10. Take notice of ALL news and signals you get near the eclipses. While often news is delivered in a dramatic and obvious way, sometimes the news will come in much more subtly, as a secret or as a piece of gossip. Nevertheless it will foretell dramatic changes to come.

11. Solar eclipses work somewhat differently than lunar eclipses, and emphasize beginnings. (Something may also be ending but the attention is more on the start than the finish.) The changes could phase in over a period of months. Still, the news or timing of those changes often comes as a surprise.

Use & Throw. Blog's name disclosure.

2009-07-22T15:03:00.000+03:00

Silent scream

2009-07-17T15:55:00.002+03:00

- Baby I cant see u suffer
- I am not suffering, I am ok
- I just know you are not ok

It’s so hard to stay silent when you want to speak and it’s even harder when you want to scream. But I know if I scream you will hear silence because you are not able to hear the truth…real truth.

You have your own truth which says I can’t be ok, which says I should be shattered, which says I should be destroyed and broken and credits for this go to you. But I am really not. How badly I want to scream it to you!!!!!! I AM FREE!!! I am alive and free as I have never been before, I woke up and IT’S the reason why credits should go to you. I don’t want you in my life anymore and this is the truth. I have realized many things and it set me free…..from you and from sick relationship I was in.

Now I can see so many things about you and about your acts. But your mind It’s yours and you have complete independence over it, I cant make you feel different and I wont prove you anything, though I really want to. But as proverb says “How much you try to wash a piece of coil it will never change it color” so I just will let you think whatever you want because there is no point in talking about it again and again. If I start talking I will hurt you…trying to show you that I am more honest than you…that I am more humane …. I am more conscious. I don’t intend to hurt you but telling you the truth it wouldn't be that pleasant thing to hear. Or (what is more possible) you won't believe me thinking that it's just show off. That’s why I will stay silent and will let you realize it someday by yourself.. in your way.

The most important thing for me now is – I have realized how you were using and exploiting my trust and readiness to understand you in any cost. It’s so great to feel that there was nothing wrong with me as you were always trying to convince me or to make me feel small and stupid immature kid (oh God, I was buying it so easily and was trying to become better so hard). Whenever I was trying to tell you that there was something which was bothering me you were cold and cruel (though you were calling it “growth” and “superiority over emotional needs”) sending me to grow and referring it to my insecure and asking me to search answers in my heart. Damn it…my heart was always right, my doubts always were valid and I never needed to grow because I always was grown up enough to feel what’s going on. The only one thing I can’t understand…why you didn’t have guts to admit that I was right? But you only were making me feel small instead.

I was so blind!!! Now while writing all this I am looking behind and only now I can see HOW sick it was though I was calling IT "love" and was so frustrated when I lost you. But now this comprehension is depriving me of all reasons to suffer because of you. Because there was no love, no care, no feelings from your side. Just attempts to be a “hero” whom you never could be with her. No matter that I was trying to be better, to be more caring, more understanding.. you didn't need it.

It feels so nice to look at you with eyes wide open. To see you through. To be free from your blah blah.

I really loved you. I really was into you and for you. But now you didn't leave me any reason to suffer because of you - person who broke my trust, who betrayed my love, who hurted me so cynic. I want to scream but my scream will stay silent. I won’t go trying to prove you all this or to make you hear all this. Just this silent scream….that’s all what you can get from me.

The beginning

2009-07-14T17:14:00.002+03:00

“I still love her”
“I was incessantly missing her all these days”
“There was no day when I didn’t want to run to her”
“I thought I overcame this and didn’t love her anymore but I was wrong”

silence….then again that voice which was so intimate yesterday …today was breaking my world to pieces…..pieces were hurting me with every single word….. ringing with dull ache in my temples..

That’s was the end or (as I realized later) it was the beginning of a new life. Conscious life filled with love and care for myself. Maybe it had to happened to make me realize that I am the most precious person in my life and if not me, then who will pamper me in the way I deserve? :)

Yeah he left me one month far from the wedding but in the same time he gave me an opportunity to be happy with the man who would appreciate my presence in his life. He cleared the path for that mr. Perfect. Unfortunately it took much time and tears for me to realize that simple and obvious truth but I am glad I did. So that’s why I am here. I hope my experience and my thoughts would help people who are facing the same or similar situations, who failed in trying to be happy, who don’t know how to believe that every crap which happens in our life is for good. I believe it would be helpful for me too because as normal human I keep loosing hope time to time, so it will discipline me to some extent. Self-discipline its never bad :)
And also this blog is about me, my thoughts, views and my life

Welcome!